Juror

It may not mean much to many people, but it means a lot to at least one, and for my part, this is the place which has haunted me with unexpected intensity for the last four days.  

But my life goes on as normal, while the lives of others are changed forever. 

Something Special for My Mom

The big girl and I made this awesome envelope/card using the Something Special Card & Envelope tutorial from Sew Mama Sew as part of my mom's dual Mothers' Day/Retirement gift.  Poppet sketched out the picture, then embroidered it all herself.  I was so impressed!

Mother's Day

Sometimes, I am not the best mother. Sometimes I yell at my kids. Sometimes I stomp my feet. Sometimes I behave like I am six years old. I do not always have as much patience as I wish I did. I've thrown things, slammed doors, said things I never thought I would, taken things away, been conditional, made ultimatums, bribed, cajoled, whined and thrown tantrums of my own.

But I love them more than life itself. I would do anything--anything--for them. I have grown them, birthed them, nursed them, held their hair back while they threw up, sat on the bathroom floor with them while they had diarrhea, bathed them, held them, changed sheets and clothes and diapers and emptied potties and read 1.5 million books, carried them on various parts of my body through cities, up mountains, under water, on planes, subway trains and buses, held them on my lap while sliding down slides, kissed countless injuries away, slept beside at least one of them every night. I've showed them how to sew and knit and make friendship bracelets, how to make a musical instruments out of a piece of grass, how to cook, do math, play the piano. I've explained how clouds form, the water cycle, how mummies were made, how our solar system works, where the moon came from, how birds learn to fly, how things grow and change and where roly-polies like to hide. In many ways, I have truly and deliberately sacrificed my own happiness for theirs. Every choice I make is with them in mind. But I am always the first to be critical of my mistakes. I make the very mother-like leap of imagination from my refusing to make grilled cheese sandwiches even ONE MORE TIME, to my daughters ending up as 15-year-old meth addicts.

My children, like most children, very willingly take 100% of what I give them, and still demand more. Some days I am so tired, I can't think straight. Sometimes I envy my friends who work full-time in jobs other than the childcare of their own children. But this is where I am right now in my life. I am the mother of two small children. One day, that will not be the case. One day, I will look at mothers like me in the check out line at the grocery store, and I will appreciate how hard they are working.

Today Was an Exercise in Contrasts

Sick

The last few days have been a nightmare. Poppet got sick on Saturday evening, puking every half hour all night. I would feel her stirring, and half-asleep, whip the bucket over to her, and she would dry heave until she couldn't sit up anymore, then she'd pass out for another half hour, and we would repeat the process. She was weak and lethargic all Sunday. Monday, she puked again. She even puked right on her baby sister's face. That was a good one. She went four days without eating a single thing.

And yet...I confess that I dragged her and Lu to a new fabric shop. Um, twice. This one is just a few blocks away, and why I have not gone there before, I can't say. But all three of us fell in love with it.

My stack of projects grows large...but for now, I'm taking pictures.

Ice Cream Dresses

I'm currently having a bit of an Ice Cream Dress obsession.  I sewed two last week, both for Lu.  One was a special request.  When I asked her what sort of shirt she wanted (because I'm making them blouse length, for ease of movement), she said, "Thomas shirt!"  She has inherited her big sister's love of Thomas stories, and carries a toy version of him around with her everywhere, even sleeps with it.  So I hunted down some cheapo Thomas fabric, and made her a shirt she loves.  The other one I made for her birthday, using Sarah Jane Studios' obligatory "Children at Play: On Parade" print.

I have fabric cut for two more Ice Cream tops/dresses, this time for Poppet.  One of those is another special request, which has required some extra creativity, and I will document it soon.  Then maybe my love affair will have run its course.  I did this with Geranium Dresses too.

I have a couple baby gifts to make after I've finished my next two Ice Cream tops.  Then I plan to tackle a Family Reunion Dress.  I also need to make a sun hat for Lu.  Hopefully I can keep this momentum going.

Revival

It has been a long journey since I last posted on this blog.  I had aspirations of keeping a regular blog of my creative endeavours.  But I found it difficult to keep up with, and sometimes writing posts made me feel annoyed at myself.  But I'm going to give it another shot.

In just a couple short months in 2012, I had a baby and moved internationally.  That baby, Lu, just turned two.  My older daughter, Poppet, is now six.  Looking back at my few earlier posts, one thing that stands out is how much I miss my old apartment.  It was shabby and snug, but it still feels like home, and even though I now live in an unexpectedly spacious house with wonderful natural light, I feel a bit like I am merely on a trip, and homesickness is just a part of my days.  I don't wallow in it, but the pang is there.  I still live in a relatively large city, and can walk out my door to shops and restaurants and parks and libraries, but it's not the same as my prior very urban life.  Both of my babies were literally born in that apartment, and I spent nearly twelve years of my life puttering around those creaky, uneven, wood floors, cooking in my tiny kitchen and taking care of all ablutions in my "submarine bathroom."  For the purpose of illustrating my point, I will tell you that the bathroom door could not open all the way, because it bumped the toilet.  I miss that.  More than that, I miss my friends, especially my two closest friends, who sewed with me, mothered with me, read with me and wore tracks in the sidewalks of our neighbourhood with me.  I've made wonderful new friends here, but nobody could ever come close to filling that void.

My Poppet has turned into a wildly sociable, brilliant, intuitive, emotionally and intellectually gifted kid.  She's amazing.  She possesses many of the quirks and difficulties characteristic of kids like her, including a host of sensory issues.  She is intense, emotional, easily over stimulated, relentlessly inquisitive, stubborn and wilful.  But she is my other half in every respect, and if ever I encountered another person who truly seems soul-connected to me, it is her, for all the ups and downs that implies.  We are so similar, it's shocking sometimes, but we read each other's minds and hearts.  She is tall, fair and a little bit awkward.  Lu is a burst of sunshine.  Even when I was pregnant with her--a pregnancy that was at times a bit of a crisis for me--I told my dear friend that I felt great joy in this baby.  She radiates light.  She is happy and easy going, a complete ham, sweet, loving and a little bit bashful.  She has been called "the medicinal baby" by more than just me.  From birth, I was amazed by her wide-set thoughtful eyes and her sweet gaze.  She has a mop of unruly dark hair and eyelashes to die for.

I still sew.  I still write.  Sometimes I knit or crochet.  I make music.  I still take pictures.  Lots of pictures.  Sadly, my Nikon D700, a.k.a. my Third Child, has taken a bit of a backseat to my omnipresent iPhone and Hipstamatic, but I'm trying to get back in the groove of taking photos with my proper camera and not always leaving it at home instead.  For a while, I was still shooting mostly film and processing in my kitchen sink, but the cost of materials became somewhat prohibitive, and time--an even more valuable commodity--was in short supply.  Scanning negatives grew very wearisome, and prints from film too expensive.  But I still have a freezer full of film, and this summer, that's another thing I intend to take up again.

Meanwhile...